Take Off That Stupid Hat
This week’s floggable fashion faux pas is the hat we have penned “The Oliver Twist.” While being a malnourished, filth-ridden and impoverished orphan boy from some dreary over-industrialized English town may seem fashionable and appealing to someone like a Somalian refugee, to most, it is not an attractive or desired look. Unless you get paid in shillings, ate gruel for two out of three meals yesterday, or are currently a professional pickpocket or fledging blacksmith’s assistant, you should not own this hat.
It seems that only in the obesity-inducing prosperity of America could young fashionistas get their kicks “slumming it” by constantly playing underprivileged dress-up and pretending to be far less fortunate than the ATM receipts from their trust funds would actually indicate. Perhaps the same parents who paid your out-of-state college tuition could also afford to chip in on a new fashion accessory for your head that it is more indicative of your real roots — like a huge bag of dirty money that spills all over the floor when you fall over drunk at parties or perhaps a stuffed peacock top-hat that is plated with gold and squawks incessantly when you enter a room. Save us the psychological homage bullshit excuse for your pauper posturing — your great-grandparents, who really were immigrants and actually struggled for survival in the traditional sense, only wore that kind of hat because they couldn’t afford anything nicer. That’s not to say that The Oliver Twist has never been fashionable. Indeed, this look worked quite well for the destitute drifter rodent Fievel in “An American Tail”, but unless you are a lonely and naive Russian-immigrant mouse who has lost his way and has been separated from his family in a strange and intimidating new land of foreigners, do us all a favor and take off that stupid hat.
-Takey Breakerton
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