THINGS MY PARENTS MADE ME DO
#1 “VISIT” DR. BUTTNIK EVERY FRIDAY AFTER SCHOOL AND TAKE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS AGAINST MY LITTLE WILL
I had to see Dr. Buttnik every Friday after school. One of my very few friends would call me up earlier in the week and ask if I wanted to come over for a sleepover after school on Friday. I’d ask my mom and she’d say, “No sweetie, remember, you’re going to visit Dr. Buttnik”.
Dr. Buttnik was a fucking freak. He was my dad’s age, balding with a full beard. What the fuck kid wants to open up to a weirdo like this? I would walk down the hall to his office and pass one of his colleagues’ on the way. She was blonde and pretty and a lot younger. She had the coolest toys all over her office and I was jealous of whichever kid got to visit her every Friday. But then I’d walk into Dr. Buttnik’s office and he had some wooden dolls and this dollhouse that some other kid had fucked all up. I asked him, “Where’s the sink?”
He said, “A little boy who is very sad and angry ripped it out. Do you sometimes want to break things too?”
Dr. Buttnik would leave his office door open while he drilled me on the meanings of my crayon drawings. Meanwhile, my A.D.D. was all kindsa flaring up as I looked out the door and across the hall at the pretty Dr.’s office where she and some lucky kid were playing a game on her computer. Dr. Buttnik didn’t have a computer and I asked him if he thought she’d let us borrow hers. He ignored me.
Then one day, at the end of one of our visits, Dr. Buttnik brought both of my parents in to discuss the possibility of medicating their slightly overactive daughter. He told them about this miracle drug called, “Ritalin”. Allow me to digress for a moment….I think its pretty shitty that when I was growing up, any boy who was a little excitable, willing to “talk-back” to a teacher, who brought forbidden items to school like gum and firecrackers, and who was an all-around little asshole was like the most popular kid ever. These boys were praised for their bad-assedness. But when any girl behaved this way, they were shamed and punished and socially excommunicated. Let me give you an example…
This one kid, Jimmy, along with his kindergarten girlfriend, Anna, would wait until our kindergarten teacher left the room, stand up on the desks, pull their pants down and dance in front of the giggling class. I remember Ann reenacting some strip tease she’d probably seen on television and Jimmy’s little dangle flopping around in the air.
They got away with this for months before someone finally told on them or our teacher caught them, whichever came first. Jimmy got more high-fives for what he’d pulled while Anna endured shameful head shaking and whispering on into high school. Now granted, she became a huge slut and fucked EVERYONE, even public school kids, but I maintain, to this day that it wasn’t her fault. Social criticism and double standards pushed her into an unhealthy lifestyle, and only for being a six-year-old badass.
ANYWAY…So I let my mom stick that bitter little pill in my mouth every morning. There were two of us in the entire grade that took Ritalin and it required a special little field trip to the nurses’ office after lunch. Chet Sanders (another little fuckstick badass who everyone loved) would receive in a little paper Dixie cup that teeny-tiny, greenish, whitish, grayish pill.
These were no Flintstone Vitamins. They were the least kid-friendly pills ever with no gel-coating or fun dinosaur shapes they’d dissolve in your little esophagus and burn all the way down.
It was amazing, because every time I took this wonderful medicine, I felt the need to buckle down and learn my ABC’s instead of playing flashlight tag or eating fruit-rollups.
I willingly took that shit from second grade until I was a senior in high school. At a certain point I realized I had a little something called “free-will”, this new found virtue, combined with greed prompted me to sell it to kids who liked to put it up their nose instead of swallowing with a fucking smile on my face everyday after lunch.
Well thank god my parents were well enough off to medicate me with generic metamphetamines or whatever the fuck that awful shit is. It worked wonders. I was able to maintain an ideal weight of 88lbs as well as a “C” average throughout high school. It was probably the only reason I got into the prestigious UNCW.
Just look at me now, I work at a beer bar and I’ve only been in college for six years. Thanks Mom and Dad.
-Allison Butler
February 21st, 2006 at 3:43 pm
Is Dr. Buttnik the father of Bobby Buttnik?
February 23rd, 2006 at 12:36 am
thankfully i was never medicated against my will, but was forced to go to therapy for about 2 years when my parents split up.
my therapist said i didn’t have depression, i was just “intense”. she gave me some clay to play with, and at family therapy sessions, we played in the sandbox. this finally ended when i was 16.
years later, when i went to therapy on my own, i was told i did have depression, and should be on medication. i took my medication like a good girl, got over myself, and stopped taking it.
now i am the college graduate who works jobs that do not require a college degree for 7 days a week.
it’s a good life.
February 24th, 2006 at 10:34 pm
gay. gay, gay, gay. this is the whole garden state thing where you’ve been overmedicated for too long and it’s all the fault of shrinks and your neurotic parents that your socially maladjusted and not happy with your life at this point… well. I’m not disputing that shit, but I’d like to criticise this article for being boring, common, and cliche… I guess I never liked that emo music shit cuz my parents didn’t medicate me and fucking creep me out with strangers with degrees telling me what I was thinking. that shit is creepy. no wonder your country is fucked.
March 23rd, 2006 at 3:47 pm
“Now granted, she became a huge slut and fucked EVERYONE, even public school kids”
BITCH!
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