Dear Berzerko,
Dear Berzerko,
My girlfriend means the world to me. She is beautiful, intelligent, and emotionally stable. I cherish every magic moment we spend together and I’m sure she does too. There’s just one problem: The sex. It feels great to me but she never seems fully satisfied. We have talked about this extensively and concluded that her lack of satisfaction is due to the fact I am missing the “G-Spot.” After many moons of fruitless genital experimentation I have concluded that this place they call the G-Spot is no more than an urban myth. Does it exist, and if so where can I find directions?
Sincerely,
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
Believe it or not, the G-Spot does exist. It is located on the corner of 13th and Castle. If you are coming up Castle from downtown it will be on your right. It is basically a big rabbit cage that you must peer through and point at what you would like to purchase. Although they do not carry Butterfingers, they do have a wide variety of Beenie-Weenie type products and Chore Boy scouring pads, which when combined with a $1.99 Love Rose make for an excellent crack pipe.
Best of Luck,
Sonny Galloway
March 22nd, 2006 at 7:23 pm
There is no love rose pictured above. You’re better off just using the Beenie Weenie can as a crack pipe, you can hollow out the sausagy material to use as a mouthpiece. Marth Stewart and Macguyver should team up for a show about getting drugs in your system in a pinch.
March 22nd, 2006 at 7:24 pm
P.S. My father never gave you consent to use his image in this article.
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If all else fails, double penetration.
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Insert one or two (or three for you whores) fingers in the vagina with the palm facing the pubic bone. Gently bend your fingers ‘forward’ so that they stroke the anterior wall of the vagina. You may feel a raised spot or series of ridges, or you may feel nothing in particular. Your woman may find this extremely pleasurable, or have an urge to urinate, or both. Hopefully she will not piss on you. Stroking this spot with varying degrees of pressure will tell you if you’ve got it or not. (Stoke it!) And just so you know, not all women have g-spots, but then again, not all men have skills.
March 23rd, 2006 at 10:52 am
take it from me. gal that knows what’s up… down there knows what’s up… down there. it’s true - sometimes you just have to put forth some effort and be a little more patient than usual. the 30 second sex acrobatics are not going to be enough here. i know most of you are used to ramming in and pulling out in macho guy fashion, but well. often that does not cut it.
maybe your woman needs some foreplay and patience, dazed. if you don’t have time to lend to this delicate and beautiful process, maybe you should just send her my way.
i’ve been told i am really good at the lesbian thing.
March 23rd, 2006 at 11:46 am
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March 23rd, 2006 at 1:21 pm
Thanks guys. Guess I can cancel my subscription to Cosmo now.
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Don’t forget about the clitoris.
March 24th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
Seriously, the big dick is fine and dandy…a real good time, but if you forget the clit, you just expose yourself as an amateur.
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March 27th, 2006 at 2:00 pm
God is too busy jerking off watching priests molest little boys. if your fucking a consenting adult all is well (unless you can’t find the g-spot and don’t know how to find the “little man it the boat”) then you need more help then my brother God and I can give.
March 28th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
the G-spot is real, and stimulating it can produce intence orgasms. But not all women get off this way. An important thing to rember is that the clit is on the outside. Penatration is not required to make a girl cum. What i’m getting to is that sirfice contact may be the answer. When you are having sex insert your penis all the way, so that the front of your pelvice bone is in contact with hers (where the clit is located)(if you don’t know where the clit is your fucked) try to maintain contact while moveing up & down (not so much in and out, being on your toes like your doing pushups helps with contact) This will stimulate the clit producing an orgasm. If this doesn’t work it could be that she has a recesed clit, or you’re doing it wrong. KEEP Trying. If all else fales get a vibrating cock ring, DIVES CHICKS WILD!!
Good Luck
March 29th, 2006 at 9:54 am
I think your problem is that you’re looking in the wrong area. The G spot is located between the Middle and Pinky finger on any womans left hand.
April 1st, 2006 at 3:34 pm
I find it best if you throw warm sand in her face during and after sex.
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hold it, hawk one up on her back fire it in her face when she turns over. ahhh good times. *wipes away a tear*
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Dear god….why don’t you just wipe your dick on the curtains on your way out? Make a real show of it.
Faaarrk.
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