The good news is that you can now hear the good news online and subsequently accept the Lord Jesus Christ - online! No more waiting in line for weeks for your local preacher, no more filling out those stupid visitor cards in the back of the office with those crappy little pencils - you don’t even have to battle for a highly-coveted parking space at the church parking lot. Yes, the new protestant is hip, web savvy and a real participant in today’s modern world. Just answer these few simple questions and you too can fly with the angels, swim in a sea of glass and walk on streets of gold (if that kind of shit appeals to you). Check it out here.

The real “good news” to me about this site is that you can choose to accept an eternity with Satan and his angels if you answer the questions the right way. However, the site does erroneously reports that in hell “there will be no rock music”. We all know that is the only decent rock in the past 300 years has come from below - hail his satanic holiness.

While most people need a cup of coffee to galvanize their morning, I’m really a zombie until I guzzle my first bottle of Vitamin Water in the A.M. and preferably before 10 if I am going to be at all productive (the new pomegranate flavor is exquisite, by the way). So upon my route to the local bodega I heard a child desperately screaming from nearby.

Yes, I am aware of how enormous my cock is and no, it isn’t necessary to tell me about it every single time I take my pants off. In fact, if you wanna know the truth, it’s getting kind of embarrassing, you know? The stares, the screams, the glares, the gawking, and the pointing all must stop. And please, if you are going to talk about it in the throes of passion try to not scream directly in my ear; that thing down there is hard enough to control without you breaking my concentration all the time. Speaking of blabbering, don’t even get me started on the name calling – the intimidator, the log-splitter, the pleasure poll, the human pipe cleaner, the excavator, ole’ faithful – seriously ladies, it doesn’t turn me on anymore and the objectification is getting kind of demeaning.

So in case you were too busy stuffing your face with Cadburry eggs to notice, it’s Easter. I’m not sure anybody really knows much about this holiday. It seems pretty psychedelic to us - a grown adult dresses up in a giant rabbit costume and plays with children before running around hiding hideous, plastic, pastel-colored eggs filled all variety of candy. Who is this character, the Easter bunny? And what kind of faggy rabbit carries around a woven basket with shiny-colored fake grass inside? It’s all pretty damn weird when you think about it. But here is what someone else has to say about the history of the holiday.

For many years, one lived in constant fear that “Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee pee in your Coke,” but now sources indicate that the Chinese are instead exchanging tea for pee pee. Recently, investigators experimented with putting tea in place of urine to determine how hospitals in the wealthy city of Hangzhou would react. More than half of the hospitals reported that the tea-pee patient had urinary tract infections with most of them recommending an expensive medication as treatment (perhaps sugar).

Like the US, China experiences high levels of medical corruption and continues to struggle with a way to provide health care for its robust population of over 1.3 billion. Recent reports indicate that patients unable to receive proper medical treatment have been resulting to suicide.

This week we wanted to take the time to spotlight a great website we have only recently discovered. Manhattan-based company Crunk-Grillz offers classy mouth jewelry for the sophisticated shorty and/or thug. Unlike many other “whack-ass grillz”, Crunk Grillz are FDA approved and safe for children, according to their FAQ on the site.

The Bolsheviks at the New York State Supreme Court have just unanimously voted in favor of upholding the Cabaret Law, a prohibition era law originally instated to keep blacks from dancing. The regulation requires that any establishment allowing its patrons to dance must hold a cabaret license, a tactic they pulled out to keep New Yorkers from enjoying themselves in Harlem jazz clubs. Of course, not every bar and restaurant meets the qualifications required to receive a license since the law contains very finicky zoning regs. I don’t want to jump the gun here, but it’s beginning to sound like the NYC/NY governments have a vested interest in legislating against any form of fun. Those heartless bastards. Anyway, here is an interesting history of the cabaret law history of this ridic rule via the village voice.

What could possibly go wrong when the world’s largest online book vendor opens a grocery store? For starters, cheap and long-distance shipping ensures that no actual fresh food can be sold. Fortunately, Amazon has dedicated itself to stocking some of the best in quality, all-natural highly-processed food products. Needless to say, they also stock some of the cheapest and nastiest canned and dried foods out there, and they sell all of these foods in bulk. My goal was to find the worst of the worst products, and to see what Amazon’s enthusiastic reviewers had to say about them, positive and negative.

Who took a dump on the N Train this morning? Seriously guys, I’m pissed and I wanna know. All the way from Canal to Atlantic Ave., the undeniable smell of feces festered ferociously throughout my train car and I want to know where it came from.